Animals in Their Places – And NOT Nail Places

(WARNING: SOAP BOX ALERT. SOAP BOX ALERT.) I know it’s very chic and trendy to bring your pocket-sized pooch wherever you go. Purses are getting larger and dogs are getting smaller. Some purses are even being redesigned to accommodate a mobile mini-mutt. I don’t think that’s what Dylan meant when he said, “The times, they are a-changin’.”

But it’s just not my style. My dogs are large. The only purse in which they would fit would have a system of pulleys and hydraulics attached. Oh yes, and a pair of drip attachments for the slobber. And while they’re friendly, let’s face it: they really don’t want to shop unless it involves possums in the backyard. But I digress from my original rant.

I went to my nail salon for my regular mani/pedi appointment. Mary, my nail artiste, is finishing up the client before me as my feet are happily soaking in the sudsy warm water. I’m checking out that client’s nails, when all of a sudden I notice movement in her lap. A DOG. A cutie to be sure – a tee-ninesy little schnauzer. But he’s was not looking at all happy. And I see why:

1. Would you be happy if the person whose lap you were clinging to was really not a lap? It’s more like a slope. This lady was not missing many meals if you get my drift…and the poor little guy kept sliding under the manicure station.

2. Would you be happy if as you slid, you were scooped back up and smushed back into a belly covered in a terrycloth shirt? I guess it’s better than corduroy.

3. Would you be happy if you were wrapped in a “potty pad?” The plastic and cotton pads on which puppies are trained? Imagine yourself wrapped in a very large Kotex pad (with or without wings) before you answer that.

4. Would you be happy to breathe in acrylic nail dust in your very sensitive little canine nose? Try sniffing some talcum powder and it will feel similar.

5. Would you be happy as the metallic whirring of the nail dremel file was picked up by your heightened sense of canine hearing?

Would I? I’m going out on a limb here to speak for Little Schnauzy – not no, but HELL NO.

Aside from what I’m sure are plain old sanitation reasons why an animal shouldn’t be in a salon, that poor sweet little thing did not want to be there. He was NOT having a good time. But it was important for us all to see her with her precious pet. I hate it when people dress their dogs and I hate it when they’re used as accessories. A pet’s supposed to be your pal – and I would never treat MY pals that way!

Fins to the Left, Fins to the Right….

I have a friend at work who believes that a woman is at greater risk for becoming (cue the theme music from “Jaws”) shark bait if (1) it’s that time of the month and (2) she wears bright toenail polish. The first theory relates obviously to a shark’s natural feeding attraction (I don’t think I have to elaborate here…). The second likens the poshly pedicured tootsies to a shiny, wiggling fishing lure. Last time I was in Academy Sports and Outdoors, I didn’t see any shark lures shaped like a ladies’ size 7½ with “I’m Really not a Waitress” red toes. Hey! Maybe there’s a marketing idea in there somewhere.

I can see the points to her theories, but I am still skeptical. If anyone has scientific data or reports of shark attacks on females that can be attributed to these factors, I’d LOVE to see them. However, just to be safe, maybe I’ll leave the O-P-I off the next time I’m in the ocean…

Possum Holler – Part 2: What Part of “Stealth” Don’t You Two Get?

Our dogs are so sweet and so cute, but not blessed with a lot of smarts. If you read my earlier blog, you know the story of the squatting family of possums that took residence in our fence. They are long gone, but every now and then, an errant possum, rat or cat with an attitude likes to use our fence as an interstate.

It seems that our pups, “Chip the Terrible” & “Zach the Inhaler” can be inside, with appliances in operation, the TV going - and still hear a rodent or feline intruder that’s outside. At least WE think its hearing. Shades are drawn – so it’s not like they see it. Windows are closed to keep all the A/C inside for the long, hot summer – so it’s not like the smell it. It must be the sound of their tiny, pest-like claws slinking along the fence’s 2x4’s.

The goal of our Canine Caped Crusaders is, of course, to expunge the intruder and thus protect the yard. Not really – they just want to catch it and play with it. So they are at the back door like a couple of bulls - hopping front feet to back feet, salivating, tails whipping - ready to be unleashed on a tiny matador.

But one problem, Boys: BOWWOWBOWWOWBOWWOWBOWWOW. Y’all start barking loudly and uncontrollably BEFORE we let you out. The pests are pretty well clued-in by now that you’re coming. Remind me not to hire you out as robbers…you’ll call the bank first to ask them to open the vault.