Mother Nature's Anthrax

Ahhh…Spring is here. A time for growth and rebirth. For beautiful blooms and a palette of greenery right out of a Monet masterpiece. A time for Mother Nature to start fresh. And a time for Mother Nature to exercise her twisted sense of humor on all us allergy sufferers. You know what I’m talking about: POLLEN.

Forget volcanic fallout…forget acid rain…forget tear gas. Pollen is powerful. It causes almost two months of nose-clogging, eye-watering, throat-stripping plant dust that single-handedly keeps brands like Sudafed, Zyrtec and Claritin in the black. But zapping grown men into sniffling babies and keeping the drug manufacturers in quarterly bonuses isn’t Pollen’s only gift…

Let’s not forget the boon to car washing businesses. Owners of car washes all over the south are planning their Riviera vacations, thanks to the little gems of germination. Mr. Bubbles is sitting at the Captain’s Table because my vehicle looks like its wearing a yellow fur coat. But wait, there’s more…

Did your neighbor compliment you on your new yellow tablecloth? What? You don’t OWN a yellow tablecloth? That’s just our trusty Pollen, floating into an open window or door to make itself at home in your home and promote yet another industry: cleaning products and maid services. You’ll either have to hire a maid or you will be the maid, thanks to our friend Pollen.

So when Mother Nature sends you her annual terrorist package of Pollen, thank your lucky stars for antihistamines, central air conditioning, a strong vacuum and sealed garage. Maybe that’s why they call it “Allegra” – which means joyous – because you’re so darn happy to have some relief!

The MRI - Testing More Than My Health...

I have been blessed with very good health. Hospitals and procedures are not something to which I’m accustomed. In Fall of 2010, I was told by my doctor that I needed to get a chest/body MRI done. While I realize an MRI is a major procedure, it’s fairly commonplace. I had an MRI done on my foot once, so no biggie. I was worried more about what we would find versus the actual procedure. WOW. My worry was completely misdirected.

First, the doctor asks if I’m claustrophobic. Why, of course I’m not, I scoff. I’ve been in an underwater submarine to look at pretty fish and coral. I’ve hidden in closets for surprise parties. I’ve driven in very small cars. Piece of cake. Second, the doctor asks me if I’d like a sedative for the procedure. Certainly not, I proudly boast…it’s just an MRI. As I re-tell this story back at the office, several friends warned me that “you will need valium.” I write them off as weenies.

I arrive at the MRI facility and check in. The nurse outfits me (very painlessly, I should add) with my IV and asks if I am taking a sedative. Certainly not, I proudly boast…it’s just an MRI. Any normal person would see a pattern here. Not me. I’m escorted into the MRI room and I see the machine that sort of resembles a wine chiller on its side. So it’s got THAT going for it. I’m presented with my ear plugs, a cozy blanket and a plastic ball on a tube. “This is your panic button,” the technician explained. “If you are at all nervous, just squeeze the ball and we’ll pull you out.” I grasp it, but I think to myself, obviously I won’t need that….

WRONG.

Oh, don’t misunderstand. It all started out all right. I actually made it through about 14 minutes. But on Minute 15, the machine started closing in on me like a rolling kaleidoscope. As I clicked in, inch by inch, I started to lose sight of the white, tiled ceiling. Then, I attempted to keep up with the drum-rapping song that beat in my head. Oh wait – that’s not a song, it’s my heart beating faster than microwave popcorn! I can literally feel it in my chest, as my arms are crossed over my heart. I actually thought, “Well, it’s good that I look like I’m in a coffin, because I may just die.” Minute 15:30, I’m squeezing that rubber ball as if I could make it disintegrate and they start to pull me out. Minute 15:50, I’m out and they help me back to the waiting area to calm down.

At this point, I agree to the sedative. One problem: it’s only 1 milligram and my anxiety level is now at a gazillion milligrams. But I take it anyway, and being the oh-so-patient patient, I quiz the nurses, techs and my husband: “Is it working?!...What should I feel like?!?...Will I know when it kicks in?!?...Will I feel groggy?!?!...How long does this take?!” If you’d like to set my diatribe to music, I suggest using “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” as your music bed. I tried one more time, but to no avail.

Needless to say, my mission was scrubbed faster than the Space Shuttle getting yanked from Houston’s Johnson Space Center. I looked at my arm, where the nurse had so skillfully inserted the painless IV, only to find a coaster-sized, blue-red bruise around the insertion area where I had squeezed myself even harder than I had squeezed the panic ball.

So what did I learn from this? Well, I learned that an Open MRI is the way to go. I learned that Valium (20 mgs to be exact) is my friend. And I learned that I’ll probably never have a career as a Chilean Miner. In the end, all involved are healthy and happy (except maybe for that little panic ball – I WAS pretty abusive…).

What Scares Me?

A good friend of mine suggested an interesting topic: What are you afraid of? The first response that pops up is “ending sentences with prepositions”…but I digress. Since it’s the start of a new year and a new decade, I thought I’d ponder the question.

So what scares me? The usual tangible, icky things in nature: snakes, spiders, rodents and roaches. It’s not so much that they scare me, as I have an innate desire to kill them. Oh, and monkeys, too. Especially little, wiry monkeys. YUK. Perhaps my fear brings out some murderous streak. Perhaps that’s something others should heed…hee, hee. So here we go – Fear 101 for me:

Clowns
They’re evil. Just plain evil. No one is that happy all the time. Never trust anyone or anything that fits 10+ in a tiny car. (Now I must asterisk this by saying I do not mean rodeo clowns – they perform a valuable service.) But most circus “tramp” clowns, spindly marionettes and those icky mime-ish French clowns give me the creeps. Maybe it’s all that facial make-up and costuming hiding the real person inside. If there really IS a real person inside….

Uncontrolled Fire
I grew up with Smokey the Bear. He was smarter than the average bear. I mean, c’mon…who wants to become a human torch?!? Not me. I’m OCD when it comes to candles, fireplaces and even pizza boxes on low in the oven.

Tequila
It’s not so much the tequila that scares me as much as ME AFTER I drink tequila. It makes me mean. And I’ve already mentioned the potential murderous streak…

Drowning/Suffocation
I learned to swim at an extremely young age…perhaps my parents had the same fear and wanted me to overcome it. I love swimming, but do it very controlled environments. Pools, small ponds, oceans with see-through water and LOOOOOONG sand bars. No Jacques Cousteau-action for me...no swimming through dark, coral tunnels. I sort of hyperventilate as I write that!

Reality TV
The Bachelor…Jersey Shore…The View…Wife Swap…The Ed Show…Toddlers and Tiaras…Bridalplasty…The Glenn Beck Show…ANYTHING with a Kardashian on it. I only hope it’s not an indication of where our collective mindset is headed.

White Zinfandel
Enough said.

Being Lonely
I don’t mean being alone, I mean being lonely. Having no one in which to turn. I think I’ve got this fear licked, because I’ve been lucky to have great family and surround myself with wonderful friends.

Perhaps writing about it exorcises some fear demons. Mostly I try to live every day to that cliché of “the fullest.” And I try to be thankful every day for my blessings and to hope for those who don’t have as many. I found an amended version of “The Serenity Prayer,” and it helps me with my fears. Maybe it will help you with yours.

God, grant us the serenity to accept things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Grant us the patience for the things that take time, the appreciation for all that we have, and the tolerance for those with different struggles. May we appreciate the freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and give us the strength to get up and try again ~ even when we feel it is hopeless.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, ALL!