The War on Weeds

Right now, one of the books I’m reading is a military action thriller – the tagline of which reads, “Beyond Special Forces Lies Our Last Line of Defense…” Well, the last line of defense in my yard between beautiful, blooming beds and an onslaught of unwanted weeds is me. Gentlewoman Farmer? Gardening Goddess?

I’m really more of a Yard Trooper. I have armed myself with weapons both mechanical and chemical. I think I’m much more militarily horticulturally advanced than the average homeowner, going beyond the standard trowel, spade and shears. I use my weed hog with cold precision. I spray Round-Up with accuracy matched only by SWAT Team snipers. I leave no root behind when pulling up weeds by hand… A regular “Jack Bauer of Le Jardin.”

And yet, week after week, the pesky, pesty plants return. Here are just a few of my “I-may-look-floral-but-I’m-a-yard-parasite” foes:

Dandelions – “Dandy?” I think not. Sure, let your kid make a wish and blow the adorable, puff-ball of a flower. Your unintended seed-spreading just caused me and my lower back an extra hour on my hands and knees trying to dislodge the entire weed by the root. I’ll send YOU my Advil bill.

Dallisgrass – I think dallisgrass is like gray hairs. If you pull one out, 5 more appear. Or at least that’s how it seems when you’re trying to eradicate it. The flowers look like little “hayseed sprigs” and they spread like wildfire. So if you see someone trying to look like a farmer with a sprig of the flower hanging out of his/her mouth, grab it by the flower end and proceed straight to the nearest trash can!

Crabgrass – This stuff is like rattan-quality rope material. Getting it by the original root is like finding a buried treasure. If macramé ever comes back into style, I can braid what I pull up and use it as decorative rope.

Clover – I swear I will scream if I purchase one more plant at a big box store and find clover in the plastic planting container. As if I didn’t have enough clover in the yard already – PLEASE include some as a gift with my purchase of hibiscus. And in all my years of gardening, I have yet to find the elusive 4-leaf variety – the weed world’s winning lotto ticket.

Morning Glory – I know, technically not a “weed.” But these plants are unabashed in their invasiveness. One season of “oh they’ll be so pretty” and the next moment their vines are choking your star jasmine like a WWF superstar.

For more info on weeds (REAL info, not just my rantings) here’s a shout-out to my college friend Randy, Houston’s Garden Guy: http://www.ktrh.com/pages/gardenline-broadleaf.html

Another great site for Weed ID: http://www.floridalawncare.org/101.html

Good luck and green gardens!

The Battle of the Crape Myrtle

Sounds like a war novel, huh? It WAS a war.

I hated this botanical bastard. I did not plant it. It came with my old house. “It’s just a tree,” you are thinking…“How hard can it be to remove?” This Crape Myrtle was unstoppable. It was an Energizer Bunny Bush on steroids. It was the Terminator of the tree world. It was like another season of “The Bachelor/Bachelorette.” It would NOT go away.

We first cut it down with a chainsaw. Then, we drilled hole in trunk and inserted tree-killer poison. We deprived it of sun and water. Like some alien monster whose severed parts regenerate into new beings, “suckers” (small offshoots) emerged. We sprayed “sucker stopper” on it to no avail. Yet the suckers continued to sprout and grow larger. Stronger. Mocking me.

So my head is hung in defeat. I surrendered. You won’t read about this war in a history book. Not even in a botany textbook. It was a war I fought valiantly and lost embarrassingly. A war in which I threw in my white sun hat (in lieu of the proverbial towel) in utter defeat. Ironically, the scientific classification for a crape myrtle is the genus “Lagerstroemia.” I say ironically because after all this, a beer sounded like a good idea.

And guess what…in my new house, there are two large crape myrtles welcoming you to my front door. And mocking me at the same time. I guess “if you can’t beat’em, join’em” applies to foliage too because like me, they’re staying.