P.T. Barnum Would Have Loved “As Seen on TV”

I read in a research journal that in this time of economic strife, the “As Seen On TV” retail business is booming. Not only are people staying home, finding things to occupy their time, but the product offerings are affordable. We can “treat ourselves.” But there are a lot of things they’re NOT: Functional? Not. Fashionable? Not. Rational? Not. Here’s what I mean:

The Sham Wow. My neighbor was sucked into one of these faster than the water gets sucked into the Sham Wow in the video. IT DOESN’T WORK. The video is full of flubs and inconsistencies between wet and dry. What do you expect from a pitch-man who’s been arrested on deviant charges?!?

The Snuggie. Are we not fat and lazy enough in this country to be able to wrangle our arms from underneath a blanket? Plus, it’s just ugly. And if you try and walk in it, you risk falling, tripping and hurting yourself. Then you’ll need the “As Seen On TV” medical alert bracelet because you’ll have fallen and can’t get up!

Save-A-Blade. Why am I paying $19.95 plus $6.95 S&H for a device to sharpen a plastic Bic razor that cost me around $2-$3 for a package of 6? I’m not a math major, but this seems silly.

Bumpits Volumizing Hair Inserts. Remember: “Flat hair is so last year.” Ladies – it’s called “TEASING.” Try it – it worked for your mom, your grandma, Nancy Sinatra and Dolly Parton. If you’re saying, “Who?” then look Nancy Sinatra up on the Internet. She had a famous dad.

GS27 Scratch Remover. OK, OK – I was conned into this one. I had a new car, there were scratches on the side, so I caved. Guess what!?! IT DOESN’T WORK. And yes, I can get my $14.95 back, but not my original $6.95 S&H. AND I have to pay to mail it back. Not likely.

Well I guess Barnum WAS right – there’s one born every minute because these products keep cropping up on TV. Instead of buying things “you’ve seen on TV,” why not invest the money in HBO or something. In the long term, you’ll save money. Now, if I can just keep my husband from buying the “Topsy Turvy Tomato Hanger,” we’ll be fine.