Traveling in Today’s World - Mama Said There’d be Days…

Growing up, my parents always taught the principles of “please,” “thank you” and simply being polite. Especially when it came to traveling. We traveled A LOT when I was growing up and thankfully, my folks never had to deal with traveling in today’s airline climate.

I just took a weekend trip where I had to fly out of town. And easy 2.5 hour flight up to Chicago and another one back. Before I go off on the people who tried, tested and tweaked my patience, there were some high points to the flights that helped balance out the insanity: The hilarious group of elderly women in the airport restaurant that kept us all in stitches with their humor; A lovely flight attendant on the flight up who purchased drinks for our row to honor the air force sergeant seated next to me; The couple on the flight back with the 3-month old baby who slept peacefully through the entire flight. There ARE nice strangers everywhere and it’s a shame that they are many times overshadowed by idiots.

Hmmm. Idiots. Mom would say I wasn’t being very polite. OK, I will try to highlight their antics in the most polite way possible, using please and thank you.

Please, Mr. Curbside Skycap – throw my suitcase over to the conveyor belt so as not to exert yourself in the 4-5 steps it takes to reach it. You missed? Well thank you for then flipping it like a giant block on the 2nd try so it rolled on all 4 corners before reaching the belt.

Thank you, Courtesy Shuttle for the Handicapped, for running over a little girl’s sweater in your race to the next gate. At least the little girl wasn’t wearing it.

Thank you, Father and 2 kids, for all standing at the end of the security scan conveyor belt and putting on your socks, your sneakers and your belts while the rest of us catch our belongings before they go past you. More thanks for not taking up space on the benches that are conveniently there for this purpose.

Thank you, holder of boarding pass A39, for pushing in front of me, holder of boarding pass A32. Please let me get out of your way.

Thank you, Gate Attendant, for letting him do it. Please ask your high school math teacher why you can’t count past 30.

Thank you, passenger behind me, with your i-Pod up so loud that even with earbuds I can tell you’re listening to Katy Perry. Please make an appointment with a doctor to check your hearing.

In conclusion, please allow me (see how I got that “please” in there, Mom?) to quote a popular country-western song: “Mama always told me that I should play nice, but she didn’t know you when she gave me that advice.” In this case, “you” know who you are, Southwest Airlines travelers.

Like Mother, Like Daughter? Hope Not!

Today as I crept in morning traffic on my way to work, I was behind a Jeep Cherokee. It was obviously a "Mom" vehicle, because the back windshield proudly displayed a sign reading, "Drive Safely, My Munchkin is on Board." MY MUNCHKIN? Are you serious?

Now I have to see the woman who proudly describes her offspring as a character from the Land of Oz. Since I'm exiting the freeway anyway, I begin to pull up beside her. Safely secured in the back seat is a baby seat - no doubt the Munchkin throne. But my attention is quickly diverted to Mom, who is behind the wheel, lighted sun visor flipped down as she applies a layer of mascara to her eyes. How safe can "Her Munchkin" be as she pumps the brakes and plumps her lashes at the same time?

All this would be bad enough - but sitting next to her in the passenger seat is a pre-teen girl. A daughter perhaps? Another Munchkin who's just a bit older? The girl has the identical, passenger-side lighted sun visor in full-action mode and is ALSO applying eye makeup. The front seat of the Cherokee looks like backstage at a Revlon fashion show. Strike a pose, Ladies - they're ready for their close-ups, Mr. DeMille!

So I'm guessing when Tweeny-bopper gets HER license, we can look forward to another rolling Mary Kay party...or perhaps "Texting While Driving" lessons? Munchkins beware!

Bubba Day At the Beach

Blue-collar comedian Bill Engvall is best-known for his schtick, “Here’s your sign” – telling a funny story about the stupidity of a person or persons in certain situations that warrant them being labeled with a “stupid” sign. This weekend, Galveston Island offered up its latest candidate with an event worthy of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour:

A beautiful Saturday afternoon. Blue breezy skies. Almost-sandy beaches (somewhere between the clumps of seaweed) with waves persistently flogging the shore. A family paradise.

Picture a brand-new Ford F-150 pick-up truck. Definitely a boy’s toy. Shiny red – almost as red as its un-sunscreened owners are at this point. Our vantage point for this little drama is the balcony of my friend’s rented beach house.

This truck has brought the family – or at least the male contingent – to the beach for a little fun in the sun. Dad, buddy and son, frolicking in the ocean. Attached to the back of the truck, in addition to the obligatory cooler now half-full of Miller Lite, is a trailer. In the shallow breaking waves is a Sea-Doo watercraft – with the son hovering to ride it onto the trailer, thus allowing our heroes to head home.

This all seems normal, right? WRONG.

Bubba backs the truck up to the shore’s waveline where the trailer awaits partially submerged. Like a ranch-hand breaking a new colt, Baby Bubba revs the Sea-Doo and positions it in place on the trailer. Cheering ensues and there’s lots of high-fiving and back-slapping. Bubba and Buddy Bubba celebrate Baby Bubba’s rite of passage with a cold beer from the cooler. Let’s call Mama right now….

But wait – cue the theme music from “Jaws.” The truck and trailer are not moving, but the tide is. Closer and higher. Oh yeah – and the tires are going deeper into the sandy shore. Boys, you’re about to go Captain Nemo on us. Apparently, our Bubba Trio notices this as well but they are somewhat flustered as to what they do next. What are their options?
1) There are other large vehicles around them, but (a) no one is offering help and (b) they aren’t asking.
2) Tow rope? What tow rope? What’s a tow rope?
3) Call someone? Not yet – the water’s not near close enough.
4) Crack open another couple of cold ones? Apparently this makes sense to them because they do.

As the corrosive salt water laps the undercarriage of the F-150, Bubba grabs the cell phone and finally makes a call. As the water finds its way into the bottoms of the truck cab doors, an enormous wrecker shows up, driven by an enormous man with an enormous “open your checkbook, suckah” smile on his face. They attach the hydraulic wench to the potential U-Boat and gradually pull it out to safety – with an array of beach goers and house-renters all applauding, thumb-upping and whistling. Our Bubba Trio acknowledges and apparently basks in the adulation, sad only because no one got it on tape for “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

In the words of Bill Engvall, “Here’s your Sign…”